A call to scooterists

When I entered this strange world of two wheeled driving I was unaware of the small cult that I was joining. For years I've seen big bearded men driving around wearing entire black-dyed cow carcasses on every inch of their body and loudly revving their engines in underpasses. When I first mounted my scooter somehow I was indoctrinated into this elite society.

Now when I drive along the road I am constantly receiving the secret motorcycle handshake that I never knew existed. For those of you outside “the know,” this happens when you pass a fellow motorcyclist. They see you cruising down the street and decided that since you are driving on two wheels they must give the greeting. This greeting comes in the form of a wave. It isn’t a high-flying, over-the-head “how-do-you-do?” Instead, it’s a cool, subtle release of the left handle bar to give an upside peace sign with arm extended.

I mostly ignore this of course. I see you motorcyclist, but I am not one of you. I am not that "cool" guy on a crotch rocket feverishly trying to hide homosexuality by straddling a tiny Japanese device that matches my jacket and helmet, or the kick-your-ass-sea-bass type who bought a motorcycle because it's the only thing that fits in my garage since it's filled to the brim with hippie corpses.

I am just a guy who loved riding bicycles and now doesn't want to pay more than $5 a month in gas. Us scooterists are a whole new type of person, but we need to unite. We need to fight against the fat asses who laugh at me from their sluggish SUVs, the motorcyclist who start to wave at me from afar until they get close enough to realize I'm on a baby scooter. We must make a new land of Scootopolis where we can scoot without scorn or isolation. We also could probably use some kind of new greeting, like honking our wussy horns or something.

-Seth